Big Sister Love

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Having siblings is definitely a gift.  There is nothing quite like having another human in the world that comes from who and where you do.  No one in the world could possibly understand things in quite the same way or share your world view the way a sibling does. For me, I won the sibling lotto with my BigSister, Anita. She is ten years older than me which made for a unique bond for us, one that became stronger as time passed and our age difference became less significant.  I was only 8 years old when she moved out of our family home and started college. I remember sitting in her room the day after she moved out and crying, my mom came in and she was teary eyed too.  I just knew that I would miss her, I could not have possibly understood the emotions my mom was feeling at the time, but I knew that something was now missing and it was sad.

As the years passed my BigSister continued to be awesome in every way. Always making  a point to celebrate me in any and every way that she could. A ten year age difference meant that she was older and wiser and crossed every bridge before I even knew they existed. What a challenge for her to witness someone she loved so much making so many of the same mistakes that she might have made and/or making all new ones that she could most certainly have helped me avoid. She definitely shared her wisdom with me, but she did so knowing our shared inherent stubbornness would mean I would be choosing to disregard good solid advice in order to learn my lessons my own way aka THE HARD WAY! She accepted this dynamic with grace and just chose to make sure I knew that she was always available for listening and love no matter how things unfolded. Having unconditional love in ones life from even just one person is the ultimate gift and I most certainly have it with my sister.

This past year my life unraveled in a multitude of ways and in times like that, your support system becomes your lifeline and your gratitude for your tribe starts to become the most important driving emotion.  It’s reassuring to know that you must have done some things right thus far if you can have everything fall apart and still know that you are loved and taken care of by those that you were blessed to be blood related too and also those that you have chosen to keep in your life. I am so fortunate to not only have all the incredible aspects of sisterhood in Anita, but also the gift of friendship.

Mothering a toddler is hard work, mothering a toddler whilst 9 months pregnant is VERY hard work, mothering a newborn whilst recovering from a c-section and mothering a toddler is INSANELY hard work…. Thanks to my sister, I only had to tackle two of those three on my own.

Some times the greatest gifts in life aren’t things that can be wrapped up and tied with a bow, they look more like, love, loyalty and TIME. My sister, without me asking or expressing need decided that I needed her and she was right. She set her life aside, her job, her husband, her home and her holiday season to be there for me for the birth of Holden and for the first month of his life.  A month that included the birth of my second son, the 2nd birthday of my first son and all things Christmas! This month would have been crazy intense even without the birth of Holden but it whizzed by with so much more ease than would have ever been possible without her help!

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Help doesn’t really even begin to cover it, but here are just some of the things that she handled for me while she was here, many of which had nothing to do with just helping with the babies but also helping me to get my life and home together!

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Helped to organize years worth of baby clothes, installed a hanging rack, helped me get ready for my hospital stay, was there for the birth of Holden, stayed with me for the entirety of my hospital stay helping me with pain management, diapering and feedings, installed car seats, drove me home from the hospital, chauffeured me to all of mine and the babies appointments for the month and anywhere else I needed or wanted to go, grocery shopped, cleaned house, cooked, did laundry, stayed up and helped with 16 hours of consecutive hourly feedings which helped us keep Holden from being admitted to the hospital for jaundice, woke up with Harvey in the mornings and gave him his morning bottle and fed him breakfast while I either slept or nursed Holden, middle of the night/morning diaper changes and baby delivery for nursing sessions, cooked every meal, retrieved polar pops and any other cravings I might have had (Christmas Tree Cakes, Starbucks, Publix coffee cake etc…), helped me give Holden his first bath, helped me purge excess stuff around the house, organized my pantry for me as well as my linen closet and kitchen cabinets (no small feat!), wrapped ALL of my Christmas presents for me, helped me give Harvey a happy birthday and Christmas, changed out batteries and repeatedly repaired broken toddler toys, gave Harvey his baths and got him up from and down into his crib and in and out of his car seat every day since I wasn’t allowed to even pick him up, made me freezer meals before she left so that I wouldn’t starve, she got me a new grill and had Chris assemble it for me and an outdoor storage chest for Harvey’s toys so that I can spend more time outside with Harvey and Holden while getting dinners made, helped me figure out how to get my double stroller up and moving, made sure I was hydrated and fed which I certainly wouldn’t have been able to keep up with on my own, updated friends and family when I was too tired to get to it myself, helped me get two boys through the Santa line, found a staple at the mall for a last minute repair of Harvey’s birthday crown, helped me to get a live Christmas tree into the house and decorated, took out the trash and recycling, helped me shoot a newborn photo session of Holden, listened with an open heart and mind to all of my feelings as they came up (of which there were many!), wiped my tears when they came and gave me pep talks at every turn.

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This barely scratches the surface but you can get the idea. She served as my partner in every way and helped me enjoy and cherish one of the most special times in my life. Without her there it would have been easy to slip into a sad and lonely place and instead I was lifted up and supported and allowed to enjoy every moment.

Watching my sons get to bond with and fall in love with my sister was such a sweet experience and I know that this time spent together has created a magical connection between us all. These boys are so lucky to be so loved by such an incredible Aunt.  She champions them and loves them with an intensity that rivals mine and that my friends is what its all about.

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There will never be enough words to truly express my intense gratitude for this sweet gift. I am eternally grateful and know that while I will try I will never truly be able to repay her for such an incredible offering but, in the end, thats the best part. No repayment is needed and I know that. This was a selfless act done solely out of unconditional love for her sister. My heart is full and I am as lucky as anyone can be to have someone as wonderful as Anita as my BigSister.

Here’s a quick recap of our CRAZY but INCREDIBLE December together!

Thank You Sister. I love you.

Jen

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Dear Harvey//2nd Birthday Edition

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December 17, 2016

Dear Harvey,

Today at 4:01am you turned two years old. This year on your birthday at that time I was up in my room nursing your baby brother Holden back to sleep while you slept peacefully in your room. What a difference a year (or two) makes!

This past year has been without a doubt the most difficult as well as the most enjoyable of my 35 years of life. You will never truly be able to comprehend just how much you have done for me, simply by existing. Being your mom has saved me in so many ways and for that I am and will forever be incredibly grateful.

Watching you grow and learn this past year has been a magical experience and one that will always hold a special place in my heart because even though my heart was broken, it kept beating and my love for you kept increasing but mostly because this year was the last that you would be my only child.  The last year that I would only have to worry or wonder about you and only you. Although I will now worry and wonder about you and your baby brother, I can make you this promise my sweet boy, I will ALWAYS love you with the same intensity as I did when you were my only one, ALWAYS.

This past year you have grown into such an incredible human being.  You have a sense of humor that is developed well beyond what your 2 year old mind should be able to comprehend.  You have mastered walking, running and galloping and you do it in THE MOST entertaining way! You are a sturdy toddler weighing in at 36 pounds and measuring 36 inches tall at your 2 year check up!

You have mastered the balance bike and it is incredible to watch.  You LOVE LIGHTS! ALL OF THE LIGHTS, ALL OF THE TIME!  Seriously kid, Times Square has your name written all over it, HARVEY + LIGHTS = ALL OF THE LOVE! You also love: all things with wheels, ICE!, cheese balls, stroller rides, slides, The Allen Family, your grandparents, your Auntie Anita and Uncle Chris, your Auntie BESTFRIEND Valerie, CARS!, yogurt melts, pacifiers, morning and evening bottles (STILL!), your sock monkey blanket, the movies “UP” and “The Polar Express”, you have about 40-50 words which you love to say but you’re a fan of using them once and then tucking them away, helping with cooking, cleaning, LAUNDRY, diaper tossing, locks, doors, handles, door slamming, “Beep-Beeps”, key fobs, pacifier plugging for your baby brother, the carousel at the mall as well as all of the toy rides, your Grandaddy’s sautéed mushrooms (you are DEFINITELY your mommy’s baby!), cheese (all kinds except Swiss…), and most heartwarmingly, you have shown love for your baby brother already, giving him sweet kisses and gentle pats, holding him on the daybed and sharing your people with him with little to no fuss. Seeing the two of you together makes me feel complete, no small feat considering the state of my life at the moment, well done boys, WELL DONE!

Everything about you amazes me, EVERY day.  In the last month or so you have started babbling your vocabulary constantly which is absolutely adorable and awesome.  You also smacked me upside my momma head with the trifecta of “Mommy/Mom”, “NO!” and “WHY?!?” all at once! Whoa buddy, WHOA!  In all honesty, I love it, its funny most of the time and it’s such an honor to be the one to answer your “Whys?”.  I promise to do my best to answer them all and to answer them in the best way I can, while I’m at it, I promise to continue to learn for the rest of my days about any and all of the things that you might happen to wonder why about! I can’t wait to explore, adventure and discover ALL of the things with you and your brother!

Thank you Harvey, it has been an honor and a privilege to grow another year older along side you and witness you transforming into an exceptional tiny human. My momma heart is swelling with pride and my life is filled with happiness because of you.

Happy 2nd Birthday Harvey!

Love,

Mom

 

 

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It’s Been Four Years… Things Change

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When I first started this family tradition, taking a photo of us holding a photo from the year before, starting with our wedding day, I was full of big dreams and massive amounts of hope for my marriage and my family. Things haven’t turned out quite how I had imagined, to say the very least. Nevertheless, this day, November 10th, will forever be the day that my family began. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this process of love and loss its that it’s up to me to choose what I am going to carry with me as well as what I am going to let go of.  It would have been easy to just not continue the tradition this year, to let this one go and accept it as a loss. But I decided not to.  I decided to celebrate what once was and to embrace all of those big dreams and massive amounts of hope I once had for my marriage and shift them towards being the best mother I can possibly be.

There is no erasing the past and there is no desire in me to do so, no matter how painful a process this has all been and continues to be at times. Times like today, a day that I once believed would bring me pride and joy at my accomplishment of maintaining a marriage.  I do not get to celebrate that feat but I do get to celebrate my family and that is something I am proud of every single day.

Next year I will take this photo with two little boys, Harvey and Holden, and we will celebrate our love for each other and for this tradition and that will be enough. Things don’t always work out the way you hoped they would but in the end, the beginning photo will be so small you won’t be able to see it and what will matter is that the photos existed at all.  I mourn the loss of my partner and my marriage on this day but I am choosing to celebrate the beauty that is my opportunity to be a mother to my favorite person and very soon to his little brother.

Life will go on and I will continue to choose happiness, even on the most heartbreaking days. It’s the best option although it is also the most difficult at times.

Three Years of Marriage

3 Anniversary

3 Years

36 Months

156 Weeks

1,095 Days

26,280 Hours

1,576,800 Minutes

94,608,000 Seconds

“That is how long/how much you have been my husband. We are us. We have made it. I have made a promise to never underestimate how difficult this commitment we have made is. I have promised myself to each year, quantify in this way, just how long/how much you and I have been us, Mr. and Mrs. Ernst. Seeing the years, months, days, moments, seconds add up makes my heart swell with pride. I chose to allow your love to fill my life and my heart and whilst that makes me happy and content so much of the time, I knew going in to this that this was never going to be easy. Not by any fault of our own necessarily but because of the world, society, people that we will meet or have met that will influence us in one way or another, raw deals and lost dreams that we will have to let go of, money, air, wrenches and who knows what else… Easy or not, we are in this together, for better or worse, such easy words to say, so much more difficult to live them, I’m proud of us for doing so.”

This post is ridiculously LATE and overdue, but we’re just going to go with “better late than never”!

Our third year of marriage has been… a BLUR:

  • We went out for our last anniversary to spite me being SO pregnant that all I wanted to do pretty much ever was sleep and hope that when I woke my ankles had returned!
  • We celebrated our last Thanksgiving as “just Jen & Don”
  • We took a trip to Jacksonville Beach and had awesome times with Anita & Chris, ate some amazing food at The Maple Street Biscuit Company, and burnt ends from some BBQ joint whose name I don’t remember, checked in at the local hospital for an NST that would later prove to have been a waste of time… Sigh and got to have brunch with the one and only Mr. Paul Ferlita.
  • We had our maternity photo shoot cancelled at the last minute and you were so kind and sensitive to my super prego hormones and my insistence that it was “THE WORST THING EVER”. Good friends once again came to the rescue and we did end up getting beautiful maternity photos during the busiest time of year for professional photograhers! (Thank you Bobby, Erin and Kai!) I have yet to edit any of these and do something with them… its on “the list”…
  • I did an engagement shoot at 9 months pregnant while you worked your butt off at the shop to try and get ahead for us.
  • I FINALLY got our wedding photos printed and hung up in our home, seeing those photos on display makes me smile on a daily basis. Our wedding day will forever be one of THE BEST days of my life.
  • A week prior to my scheduled c-section I went in for my NST and for the first time didn’t pass the second round of tests, on December 16th around 5:30pm I called you to tell you that they were admitting me and inducing me, you said “Ok, well I still have 3 alignments to do” LOL and I said “All good, we should have plenty of time”.
  • Everyone made it in time and after every one was sent home they were all called back as it was decided that we were going to do a scheduled c-section around 2:30am.
  • You stood by my side in a cold operating room with your least favorite Dr. performing major surgery on your wife and your son and you kept your calm, said all of the right things.  In that moment I had never been more thankful for you.
  • At 4:01am on December 17th, you and I heard our baby cry for the very first time and it was the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.
  • You managed to not lose your mind going stir crazy being in the hospital for 3 days and you helped me and Baby Don in any and every way you could. Fatherhood looks so good on you my love.
  • We argued about Elf on The Shelf pictures while in the hospital and you not having any jeans to wear for our coming home with baby pictures (I’m pretty sure you had on two opposing styles of plaid at the time LOL!) but, we worked it out and got an Elf picture and you changed into some jeans for our pictures once we got home. (Looking back now I’m not sure why either of these things really mattered but I love you for humoring me!)
  • We somehow survived a mandatory 48 hours of consecutive hourly nursing sessions for our first two days home with the baby AND managed to drive to the hospital two times to get his blood tests. We were speaking in tongues by the end of it, but we were also working together as THE BEST TEAM and we kept our son from having to spend any time in the NICU by bringing his billirubin levels back to normal.  I am still so proud of us for this!
  • Speaking of those blood tests, in my first of what will hopefully not be too many “too much for my momma heart to handle moments”, you took over mid blood test as I could not bare to see them cut his tiny brand new foot anymore! You handled it like a champ and took care of my heart and my baby. Thank you.
  • We had visits from DON ONE when Don Cubed was brand new and also in the summer where we got to splash around in the pool at The Tahitian for a whole day.
  • Uncle Doug has become one of Don Harvey’s biggest fans and has come to visit with him a couple of times now even reading him a bedtime story each visit.
  • We have watched Harvey infect everyone he meets with a smile and love.  He is so much like his daddy!
  • We have been the luckiest to have my parents take on such an active roll in being Harvey’s grandparents, he is SO loved by them and we are so fortunate to have them.
  • Baby Don is incredibly lucky to have three aunts and an uncle that also love him very much!
  • You went on your annual race weekend in Daytona and once again NO ONE got arrested! LOL It was the first time I was alone with the baby, he was just about 6 weeks old at the time.  I missed you while you were gone but I have very precious memories of that special time Harvey and I got to spend together alone.  I also remember having a really sweet phone conversation with you during a 3:30am feeding, it was one of those talks where we just seemed to get one another and it made my heart really happy.
  • We have dealt with all things baby: gas, constipation, sleep training, scheduling, teething, crawling, talking, almost walking and even when our days may not have been the brightest we both put a smile on our face and showed our son the best parts of ourselves.
  • We managed to keep baby Don home and with a nanny for his whole first year which was so important to me and is yet another thing I am so proud of us for because it certainly has not been easy!
  • As I write this post (late…) your “Family Car” #projectslowsaab is said to be almost completed! So sometime soon you and Don Cubed will be able to cruise around town in your own ride, which I know is going to make all of us SO happy!
  • We went to “The Price is Right”and did not get to spin the wheel… But had an awesome time!
  • Went to see Dave Chapelle and we laughed hysterically to spite my weird worry that I was going to somehow not think he was funny and be the only one not laughing!
  • You supported me through 6 months of breastfeeding and willingly took over the morning feedings once you could.
  • I got to meet Colbie Caillat while you got your own alone time with the baby for a weekend.
  • We had date night at Duffy’s, I love our mutual appreciation for SWEET dive bars!
  • We went to bachelor and bachelorette parties.
  • Coordinated a friends engagement party at the very last minute (refreshments and all!) LOL!
  • Went to a Vertical Horizon and Tonic concert at The Water Works Park and walked the length of the River Walk afterwards.
  • Went to John’s Pass for a visit with Laura.
  • Went to lots of birthday parties and dinners for friends that are family, for family and for babies of friends that are family.
  • I set up mini-sessions in our backyard and finally made some good use of our crazy “jungle wall” and you helped as much as you possibly could to spite being worn out and super busy with your own responsibilities.
  • We also DIDN’T do A LOT of things that we wanted to, we missed out on two weddings that were so important to us to be at.
  • We didn’t get the chance to go back to the OH to visit with friends and family like we had hoped we would.
  • We got robbed, more than once in our own front yard.
  • We stayed strong and confident to spite health concerns for our family that turned out to be minor but could have been major.
  • We lost friendships and forged new ones.
  • We lost our way, grew apart and back together again over and over.

In spite of plenty of opposition, disappointments and challenges thrown our way we are still forging our way forward. Marriage and parenthood are harder than I ever could have imagined they would be.  The weight of it all can feel like way too much at times but I am now and will continue to be committed to doing my best each day to be the best wife and mother that I can be. Because at the end of the day knowing that I can always count on our family being together makes each day worth it. Thank you husband for continuing to show up and do the same even on the days when not “adulting” is the much more appealing option! I promise to do my best to acknowledge my own shortcomings and try to improve on them and to continue talking AND listening it all out with you while doing so.

I am still smiling and still falling my love.

I’m quoting this part from our original anniversary post along with the intro because I STILL mean it:

“We are of a generation that is fickle, that runs away from the scary shit. I promised myself and you that I would not run away from the scary shit in our marriage. That in and of itself IS SCARY! But, I meant it, I will mean it. I may write this “review” some years and mostly hate you! But, I will love you, I will forget and forgive, I will smile and laugh, I will let go and move on, I will go crazy and find sanity, I will want to quit and join the majority and I will overcome and subscribe, once again, to the minority. I am yours, you are mine. It will not be easy. It will down right suck at times. I knew that going in. I knew that when I sat in the corner eating two bites of a fish-filet pushing you away to no avail that I had completely jumped into the abyss that is us.

I will get jealous, I will worry, I will cry, we will experience loss in many ways, but we will see our way through it. I will grow old with you, which means that there is so much that will occur, that the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years will just keep stacking up to remind me just how sure I was/am that this is love, this is us.”

“I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart”
With all my heart husband,
Your Loving Wife

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31 more things “Passion”

To me, passion is something that I can learn about, talk about, think about, dream about and wonder about endlessly. It feels overwhelming and consuming in a good and inspiring way and at other times it feels defeating and concerning.  My passion for THINGS (activities, hobbies, adventures) is usually inspiring but can sometimes make me feel inadequate or hopeless, like I may never really conquer the “tasks” that need to be completed in order to be good and successful at something. I’m not really sure why success needs to be the end goal of my passions but it seems as though having goals and meeting them is an attribute of my personal definition of passion.

My passion for PEOPLE (family, friends, strangers) is a much less rigid and forgiving form for me. My passion for all people is intense! While I am not an avid seeker of new people to add to my life, I am very much an enjoyer of being witness to others. I have the utmost respect for the human condition and relish in the opportunity to share and enjoy pieces of others lives through stories, photos, art, shared circumstance and conversation. My family is comprised of not only blood relatives but also dear friends. I am the most passionate about these people and this feeling is driven by my heart, my head and my experiences. Passion for people is also where the defeating and concerning can present itself as it is hard to manage passion with your emotions and expectations sometimes. Things can get messy and out of control and that becomes concerning as a loss of control is difficult for me.

The fact that I am passionate has not changed over the years, but my confidence in allowing myself to share those passions with others has increased significantly. The THINGS that I am passionate about have had a bit of an ebb and flow over the years but most of them have been relevant for quite some time.  

 

“Sometimes the writing leads to the revelations, not the other way around.” – Julia Glass

 

 

 

A passion for The Don // My husband. My baby daddy. My roommate. My confidant. My biggest frustration and my most treasured prize. My biggest fan. My future and my heart. I love watching you grow up with me. I love seeing your smile and hearing you laugh. I love watching you play with our son.

 

A passion for Harvey // My baby boy. My smiler. My squealer. My time sucker. My giggler. My new found meaning and motivation. I love watching your eyes light up, at the site of me, your dad, your grandma, something new or something confusing. I love watching you grow each day and seeing the passion you exude for all parts of life. You are the stuff dreams are made of son, you made all of mine come true.

 

A passion for my family // For the ones that are still with me and a part of our daily lives and those that had to leave and whom I continue to miss each day. For my small and close knit immediate family that is all I really need or could ever have asked for. For my very own family of 3 that is turning into what we make it with each passing day. I love being the creator of our own family’s story. For my BESTFRIEND and my bestie and the handful of others that fall under my family tree. You have all stood the test of time and shown me again and again that you get me and that you love that I get you too.

 

A passion for photography // That is intense. It began with a love for actual photographs, the look, feel and even smell of boxes of pictures or albums full has just always made my heart flutter. My relationship with the act of photographing has been a constant battle for me though. Much more an act of love/hate repeat. I have lived most of my life with a strong belief that I have a “good eye” for photography but the mechanics of it, the technical aspect just refused to click for me! I am proud to say that in the last few years I have taken steps to educate myself. I took workshops both in person and online (some of which I still need to complete!) and have gotten lots of practice. This year for my Week In The Life Project, I am proud to say that I shot in manual mode the entire time! Things have finally started to click. This progress is most important because it is finally allowing my photo voice and my actual photos to resonate with one another. Just taking photos isn’t what I want to do. I want to take amazing photos. I want to capture people, places and things I love in such a way that when I’m gone I will have respect and appreciation for the photographs I left behind.

 

A passion for storytelling // Whether its having a story read to me, reading to my son, listening to a podcast or radio station, stories are what it is ALL about. Stories are meant to be told and I am passionate about telling my own as well as sharing magical worlds created by the imaginations of others.

 

A passion for Researching // Finding out who, what, when, where, why and how about anything and everything that crosses my mind is a consuming aspect of my personality. I typically google 20-30 times a day, sometimes on that many different topics and sometimes that many different aspects of just one topic! I love finding the reasons and storing them in my brain. I pride myself on being a resourceful and motivated problem solver.

 

A passion for writing in cursive // It feels wrong to type my feelings about this one, but I’ll stick with the format. There are an overwhelming amount of reasons that I believe cursive writing is important. For me it is the most fluid way in which my most heartfelt thoughts can leave my body. The rhythm that writing in cursive creates uniting my hand and mind with ink on paper is just incomparable to anything else. I don’t want to live in a world without cursive and I refuse to let my children to either. Few things compare to the feeling I get holding a card or letter or even a post it note with a loved one’s cursive writing. Cursive4Life

 

A passion for paperbooks // To spite the understanding that paper is somewhat of a limited resource I could not be more in love with books on paper. I appreciate the magic that is created when something is printed on something tangible and then takes a journey with its reader. Whether that journey is just to and from the nightstand to the readers hands or if it travels thousands of miles around the world being read, the fact that someone turned the pages, marked their place and spent time with that book is such a beautiful thing. I appreciate electronic readers for their convenience and I actually broke down and got myself a kindle this year for the sole purpose of reading before bed at night or to travel with. But upon doing so I made the universe a promise to in no way allow this machine to steer me away from my true love of books on paper. The smell of a library or even just of books coming out of an Amazon Smile Box is intoxicating and inspiring. Harvey will do all of his reading on paper for the foreseeable future, it’s the smart and right way to do things!

 

A passion for reading // Always. Blogs. Facebook feeds. Magazines. Books. My quest for answers goes hand in hand with this as well as my love of fiction.  

 

A passion for creating // Memories. Lists. Adventures. Moments. Meals. Magic. Photos. Stories. Letters. Journals. Project Life Albums. Anything that tells our story that others can enjoy. Anything that nourishes myself and my loved ones whether it’s custom photo props or specially made birthday desserts. I love creating things with my hands and my mind. Memory keeping has become such a great outlet for this need of mine.

 

It seems that my passions fall right in line with the things that I want to be remembered for. That being said, I am most passionate about love in all its forms. I want to live a life that allows love to thrive and be abundant for myself and those around me.

 

The End.

 

“We love him”

I found myself choked up this morning whilst reading this blog post by Handsfreemama, shared on Facebook by Rebecca of the simple as that blog.  If you aren’t already you MUST follow both of these lovely ladies’ blogs if you are a parent, artsy, crafty, into photography (even if it’s just with your iphone!) or if you just like to be inspired by others.  These ladies continually do a great job at inspiring and motivating me.  I suggest every one at the very least read the blog post “Six Words You Should Say Today” which is the one I read this morning.

I now have a son, his name is Harvey (or “Don Harvey” depending on who you ask!) and he has shifted my world in an amazing way.  Not only mine but my entire family’s as well!  When I read this post I immediately started to think of him and of how I will interact with him with regards to his activities in the future. I don’t know what he will like to do, maybe it will be sports, or instruments, or chess or working on cars like his dad?  It really doesn’t matter though, I imagine I will think that whatever he is into is the coolest and, here come those magic words, I WILL “love to watch him ____________”. I can’t possibly imagine not saying it outloud, but I can also totally see how such a simplistic phrase might fall to the wayside in lieu of lengthier and thus seemingly more sincere commentary.  I hope that my eyes are now opened to the beauty of allowing ones self to keep it simple, to not drown ones thoughts and intentions with unnecessary words.

After my trip into the future with my own son, I then allowed myself to travel back in time to the hundreds of soccer games and practices that my own parents were a part of and tried to remember the types of conversations we use to have with regards to my playing.  I don’t remember the exact words, but I can say that my memory of their involvement relays to me that they did in fact LOVE to watch me play.  The rest is irrelevant and they got their point across regardless of how they might have phrased it because I have no doubt if I were to ask them now or if I had asked them then, they would happily admit to how much they loved to watch me play.

There is something seriously magical about making your own parents into grandparents.  It’s a gift that can’t be measured and one that my parents have embraced with arms open wider than I could have possibly imagined, it’s so wonderful to watch their eyes light up at the sparkle in 3 month old Harvey’s deep blue eyes.  I once again glimpse at the future and see all of us thinking to ourselves just how much we love to watch him play, sing, dance, cook, jump, explore and discover this amazing world we live in. Now I just hope that we will all remember to say it out loud.  I will feel quite accomplished if that practice becomes a part of my sweet boys life in such a way that he lives without hesitation in expressing his joy in witnessing the lives of those he loves.

I do know that I love watching those that I love falling in love with my boy, it makes my heart sing.  And whether my mom, Harvey’s grandma, knows that shes doing it or not, she sends me a text after every time she watches him that simply says “We love him”.  It makes my heart swell with pride and puts a smile on my face every time.

Make a point today to tell someone how you feel and keep it simple with those six little words, “I love to watch you ________”

-thejensspin

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Thankful.

One year ago I was NERVOUS, so very nervous heading to my parents house to celebrate Thanksgiving because we had news.  BIG news.  Seriously awesome news, but nevertheless a bit unexpected and surprising news.  I had JUST found out a couple days earlier that I was pregnant.  Don and I were going to be parents, MY parents were going to be GRANDPARENTS! Crazy town!  So, through deep breaths and shaky hands we announced to my parents and we were greeted with love, support and excitement.  We told them VERY early, I was only “1-2 weeks” pregnant at that point.

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Long story short, that baby didn’t make it.  A year later, I am SO thankful for the lessons in life and love that that first little life we made together taught us.  Our hearts expanded permanently in the time that we were hoping you were growing inside of me.  That first little life made me a mom, showed me the way to opening my heart and my eyes up to change and compromise and showed me what is really important in this life and in this marriage of ours.

This year, we celebrate our good fortune in being able to conceive once again so quickly and that all has been well along the way with this pregnancy.  Baby Harvey had a tiny little helper pave the way for him and to show his parents how much they could possibly love one another and how much they could love a tiny human.

It has been an incredible year filled with fun times with fantastic friends and family.  I have been lucky enough to be a part of my bestfriend becoming a mommy and doing it with such patience and grace even though her little newborn threw her constant curve balls.  I can’t wait for our little boys to grow up together and get to know everything about one another.  I am completely smitten with my little “boyfriend” Greyson, he is SO beautiful and cute!

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My longest running BESTFRIEND has shown me so much love, support and excitement for our baby boy, I couldn’t ask for a better lifelong companion, I just know she’s going to be Harvey’s favorite!

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I am thankful for my husband who makes me absolutely crazy on a regular basis and who loves me whole heartedly for loving him to spite his constant need to “see if the fence is still electric”! Ha!  I am out of this world excited to see him be a dad to our little man, he is going to be SO GOOD at it! His sense of humor and patience will surely serve him well.  Not to mention he is an outstanding teacher, any one who has ever sought out his help with any sort of mechanical issue will attest to just how much he enjoys breaking things down and explaining them (even if you have NO DESIRE to have all that info. LOL).

I am thankful for my family and my friends who just showered us with love and well wishes for our new addition, we had THE BEST baby shower and feel so blessed and lucky to be surrounded by so much love and kindness!  My family seriously whipped up our family’s own special feast for sixty plus people which is a HUGE feat.  For those of you that attended you now know the kind of deliciousness we will be enjoying on this day, SO GOOD!

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Above all, I am thankful for my son.  Donald Edward Harvey Ernst III, I didn’t know I wanted you, I thought I wanted a little girl, in fact I KNEW I wanted a little girl… But, I can honestly say, before I’ve even met you, that you my boy, YOU are EXACTLY what I have wanted and needed for as long as I can remember.  I can’t wait to hold you, love you, share all of the magic this world has to offer with you.  I love you with all of my heart already and your Dad and I just can’t wait to meet you! Next year you will be SO BIG and almost 1 year old, this year I’ll keep you safe inside of me and eagerly await your arrival 🙂  Thanks for my newfound love of sweets by the way, your Grandma has enjoyed catering to it!  Pumpkin pies, rolls and pecan pie in OUR future!

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Happy Thanksgiving!

-thejensspin

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Two Years of Marriage

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Two years.
24 months.
104 weeks.
730 days.
17,520 hours.
1,051,200 minutes.
63,072,000 seconds.

“That is how long/how much you have been my husband. We are us. We have made it. I have made a promise to never underestimate how difficult this commitment we have made is. I have promised myself to each year, quantify in this way, just how long/how much you and I have been us, Mr. and Mrs. Ernst. Seeing the years, months, days, moments, seconds add up makes my heart swell with pride. I chose to allow your love to fill my life and my heart and whilst that makes me happy and content so much of the time, I knew going in to this that this was never going to be easy. Not by any fault of our own necessarily but because of the world, society, people that we will meet or have met that will influence us in one way or another, raw deals and lost dreams that we will have to let go of, money, air, wrenches and who knows what else… Easy or not, we are in this together, for better or worse, such easy words to say, so much more difficult to live them, I’m proud of us for doing so.”

Our second year of marriage has been a roller coaster:

o We found out that we were having a baby
o 12 weeks later we found out that our baby’s heart stopped beating
o I had surgery for that loss
o I fell in love with you even more for the way you supported me in the aftermath of my “missed miscarriage”
o We planned to move our home which then fell through
o We planned a career change for you, which then fell through
o YOU persevered, found a fantastic position doing what you love, working with people that make your days enjoyable and who challenge you
o We lost our friend, Joe, who was a neighbor but really so much more than that
o We found out I was pregnant again
o We got to experience the incomparable joy of seeing an ultrasound of our babies heart beating
o We celebrated with extreme caution and kept our lips sealed as much as possible
o We learned the ups and downs of having a “high risk pregnancy”
o Found out we were having a boy, I cried… (you rejoiced! Lol)
o Negotiated on a baby name (thank you for that!)
o We fought, about the important, stupid, and typical things
o We inevitably made up
o You worked on race cars and went to race weekends
o We went on our third movie date in our entire relationship
o We moved a prego pillow into our bed (it’s not your favorite)
o I continued to document our day to day life to spite being in a serious funk for months
o I painted, changed and rearranged the entire house in true prego nesting form
o You bought a “Family Car” #projectslowsaab
o I got in a car accident and learned just how valuable my headlights really were
o I got to be reminded how “lovely”? looking for a car with my mechanic husband’s stipulations can be
o We assembled insane amounts of furniture
o We made a nursery in our home for our baby boy to grow in
o We have experienced nocturnal swarming bees (and are apparently the only ones! Ha!)
o We laughed the hardest I think we ever have at the “Prince” episode of “New Girl”
o I got you to sing the Kit Kat jingle for a bite sized Kit Kat Bar
o You delivered one million fountain sodas with “the good ice” from Circle K
o You mastered the double flush and increased my morning happiness potential exponentially
o We have gotten to feel Baby Don wiggle, shimmy and kick in my belly, the look of awe on your face makes my heart skip a beat, I don’t know if I’ll ever really wrap my head around the magic that we have set in motion, it truly amazes me more and more with each passing day.
o We have learned to be home at the same time, which really never happened much before this year
o We have watched 3-4 tv shows together this year, yet another first in our marriage
o We got to see what the drive way looked like once again
o We fought a war over a friend built table and a pumpkin patch picture (we ended up with the cutest pumpkin patch pictures ever)
o We forgave and forgot ON REPEAT.

I am still smiling and still falling my love.

I’m quoting this part from our original anniversary post along with the intro because I STILL mean it:

“We are of a generation that is fickle, that runs away from the scary shit. I promised myself and you that I would not run away from the scary shit in our marriage. That in and of itself IS SCARY! But, I meant it, I will mean it. I may write this “review” some years and mostly hate you! But, I will love you, I will forget and forgive, I will smile and laugh, I will let go and move on, I will go crazy and find sanity, I will want to quit and join the majority and I will overcome and subscribe, once again, to the minority. I am yours, you are mine. It will not be easy. It will down right suck at times. I knew that going in. I knew that when I sat in the corner eating two bites of a fish-filet pushing you away to no avail that I had completely jumped into the abyss that is us.

I will get jealous, I will worry, I will cry, we will experience loss in many ways, but we will see our way through it. I will grow old with you, which means that there is so much that will occur, that the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years will just keep stacking up to remind me just how sure I was/am that this is love, this is us.”

This past year was full of situations that filled us with sadness, frustration, disappointment, loss and heartbreak.  If there was a time to run we lived it and then some, but, we didn’t, we bared down and found the strength in ourselves and in our marriage to see our way through and to continue on loving one another even when it felt like the world was against us.  Thank you for after yet another year proving to me that you did in fact mean it when you said forever.  I hope you can see how much I mean it too.

I am overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation as we embark on this third year of marriage! It will most certainly be the most intense, exciting and rewarding one yet. Our son, Donald Edward Harvey Ernst III, will be here in 7 weeks or so and he is going to change EVERYTHING! I already love him more than I can reasonably explain and with each day that our son grows inside of me I fall a little more in love with you. I am so anxious to witness you interact with him. I am positive that you are going to be an outstanding father.  Harvey is so lucky to have you. I know the two of you will make me absolutely crazy on a pretty regular basis, but I also know that you guys will also provide me with more love and laughter than I can even imagine right now.  I have “The Don Smile” across my face just thinking about it!

I’m proud of us husband and I love you with my whole heart.
Happy 2nd Anniversary The Don!

Your Wife,
Jen

THIS is what LOVE looks like!

I started my day as I normally do, scrolling through my Facebook feed and I stumbled across this  article.  I admired this woman’s take on the idea of a “soulmate”  and her honesty about herself and her husband.

“He challenges me, encourages me and talks me down off cliffs, but he isn’t the end-all-be-all of my world. That is a dangerous thing to ask of a relationship because I’m in love with and married to a flawed man. And he married a really flawed Mary. The idea that I can complete the hole he has in his heart, this want for something to fill him up, is wrong and destined to be painful.”

It seemed like a perfect segue to what I want to talk about and celebrate on this day, the 11th of June, 2014.  This is a VERY special day for my family, today is the day that my sister Anita and my brother-in-law Chris can stake claim on their impressive 20 years of marriage!  Needless to say 20 years is a monumental amount of time in any context but most assuredly with regards to marriage in this day and age.

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My sister and I are 10 years apart which I’m sure she would tell you was quite tricky for the first part of our lives.  Not too much in common for an 8 and an 18 year old!  But as the years have gone by the age difference has become less and less relevant and is now mostly entertaining for us both as she watches her little sister live through the same things she lived through 10 years ago.

On this day 20 years ago I was 12 years old and BEYOND excited to be a bridesmaid in MY big sister’s wedding!  I remember being ecstatic to give her her wedding gift, which was an “anthology” of poems, song lyrics and what not that I liked.  I typed everything up on the typewriter, and even included individual and unity friendship bracelets! Best wedding gift ever! Ha!

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I remember being amazed at how relaxed she was when my mom and I went up to see her.  There she was floating in the pool in her super cool tie-dyed one piece bathing suit, hair wet and just chillin’.  I remember that I didn’t wash my hair because I wanted curls in my hair.  Apparently I went a little too long without washing because my hair was GREASY!  I ended up rocking a SLICKED back half pony tail with no curl.  My 12 year old self was seriously disappointed!  I also remember my sister telling me to CHILL OUT because I was freaking out about the cake topper not fitting on the cake.  I was a wee bit high strung I suppose…  I remember how beautiful my sister, my mom and my grandma looked that day.  All the guys looked dashing in their formal wear and other than that I don’t remember all that much. It’s funny the random things that stick with you.  I certainly do remember watching the father/daughter dance.  Anita chose “What A Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong and in that moment I wanted to be JUST LIKE HER!  I couldn’t wait to be the bride dancing to that very song with my dad!  It took almost 20 years but I did indeed get to relive that precious moment at my wedding dancing with my dad to the sweet words of “It’s a Wonderful World” with my sister and her husband watching me.  It was a magical moment for sure.

One of the best parts about getting older for me was becoming closer to Anita and Chris.  It was as if we had entered a whole new world where I was privy to all sorts of juicy life details that I was just too young to be let in on before.  My love life was a constant rollercoaster for a long time (and not in the awesome “butterflies in your stomach excitiement” sort of way).  During that time Anita and Chris reiterated to me that marriage and relationships ARE NOT EASY!  They were not selling me any B.S. about how everyday was magical and they lived their lives on cloud 9.  They kept it real with me and let me know that  I should expect extreme highs/lows and LOTS of in between.  But during all of that that I should expect to FEEL loved and RESPECTED.  Eventually I got it right 🙂

It’s a beautiful thing to see how they have both learned to give and take, compromise, compromise, compromise, to laugh at one another’s imperfections, to fight and forgive, to push eachother’s buttons and drive one another crazy only to come out on the other side TOGETHER.

They have packed up and moved their lives MANY times.  Tampa to Tallahassee  to Pittsfield, Massachussetts, to Charlotte, North Carolina, to Daytona and two weeks ago life threw them another curve ball wrapped in new and exciting opportunities and they’ve JUST moved to Jacksonville Beach.  Each time, they seem to find their way, figure their lives out and make a home TOGETHER.

I have been incredibly lucky in my life to have such outstanding examples of marriage.  My grandparents were married for more than 60 years, my parents have been married for more than 40 years and now Anita and Chris celebrate 20 kick ass years of love and life TOGETHER!

Congratulations you two, I love you both so very much! Happy Anniversary and thank you for showing me WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE!

Hope you love your custom tiki commissioned especially for the two of you by those that love you most from the one and only Tiki Jeff at Surf Soul Tiki!

Anniversary Tiki

 

Your Short Story

I have been contemplating posting this for quite some time.  I consider myself an open book and fairly free in the “social media realm” but this has been a struggle for me.  I was inspired by the courage of a friend whom I already admired and respected for her talent in photography but for whom my respect grew even more when she announced the loss of her pregnancy on Facebook last week.  She did so with grace and gratitude for the love that she is surrounded by and it was a sad but beautiful thing to see.  So here it goes.  This is our story of loss.  It can’t all be butterflies and rainbows but it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and share something that hurts as much as something like this does.  I am hopeful that sharing this story will bring comfort and companionship to someone, anyone that has to go through this.  This is very raw and perhaps offensive at times, but it is as real as it gets and my true account of one of the saddest events of my life.  I wrote this mostly to document my experience and put it into my Project Life but it has always been in my head that I should and eventually would share it.  So here it goes….

 

 

What We Thought

The photo on the left is what we THOUGHT you looked like… The photo on the right is what you truly looked like when you stopped growing….

 

January 16th, 2014

The day seemed long because I was anxious about our appointment.  Your Grandma made me chocolate banana cupcakes with strawberry cream frosting.  They were a Pinterest request and “she just happened to have everything she needed laying around” so she whipped them up and brought them to work.  They were DELICIOUS!  Those pretty little cupcakes seemed like the perfect way to start the day that would be the day that we would FINALLY know you were “real”.  Your Dad and I would finally get to hear your little heartbeat and see your tiny little body on the ultrasound screen.  Yes, I was anxious but MOSTLY excited!  

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Your Dad (always the multitasker!) was dropping a car off at Brandon Outback so I picked him up there.  On the way out to Brandon I listened to “Riding Elevators” on repeat.  I sang the lyrics at the top of my lungs with the windows down and my heart wide open.  I had such a content and peaceful feeling, so light and…. happy.  We were about to actually FEEL like parents!

We made it just in time for our 3:15 appointment.  I did my obligatory “pee in the cup” and luckily we didn’t have to wait very long.  So in we went to the ultrasound room.  She told me to just undress from the waist down so she could do an intravaginal ultrasound and get really close for the “pictures”.  So I did, slipped on a gown from the waist down and laid back in the chair.  The space was very small so it was a little awkward with Don in there, but he found a corner to occupy and the technician came back in.  We got started and she told your Dad that we would do the “fun stuff” first.  So he was ready with his phone to take pics and video.  Within a minute she had an image on the screen and I remember her saying something like “looks like you’re not as far along as we thought”…  To that I naively responded with something like “yeah we found out really early so it may be off a little…” (Whatever the hell I meant by that?)  I will hold in my heart the memory of this one flash, this one image where I could see “you”.  You were “floating” in darkness… and then in an instant, “you” were gone.  She started rapidly snapping through taking screen captures of every angle.  Still completely chill and unaware of what was happening to me, to us, in that moment I asked he if we could at least hear the heartbeat?  She said “No, I wouldn’t do that with this machine, let’s just wait till you see the doctor.”

And just like that she stood up and left the room, I put my pants back on and looked up at Don and shrugged my shoulders and said “well maybe something is wrong?”.  He looked at me with love and said “I’m sure there’s nothing wrong”.  Such sweet naive little love birds we were.  So off we went to the next set of waiting rooms.  As we sat there I still really had no idea what had just happened or what was about to happen I don’t think Don did either.  We were ill prepared to say the least.  Fortunately I wasn’t letting my mind wander to worst case scenarios, I was just existing in that space and time.  I was present in only that moment and that was all I could manage.  

My favorite, “Anna” (she’s a nurse practitioner) was in the hallway giggling and laughing, basically shit talking about a crazy patient.  Don and I giggled, it was hard not to hear them and it was funny.  A nice little distraction while we waited.  She saw us and proceeded to give us the story, we laughed some more and then she ducked away for a minute.  I took that chance to explain to Don how much I like her and that she was who I saw for my annual visit right after he and I got together.  She stole my heart at that appointment when she told me “this is the happiest I’ve ever seen your vagina”.  I mean how could I not love her after a statement like that?  She also made sure to hook me up with as many free samples as she could manage and extra scripts and what not.  So yeah, she’s cool and I really like her.

A few minutes passed and she came back with my file (“our file”) and she called Don and I into the doctor’s office.  We followed her in and sat down….

She had “the face”….

She began….

I remember so much about this day, but the next minute or two?  They are in there somewhere but it’s a blur.  I do know that in those two minutes I put on my “matter of fact face”, nodded, accepted the facts, asked logical questions and said “ok…” an exceptional amount of times but I don’t remember Don saying anything…  “Anna” left to “give us a minute” and so we could wait some more for the doctor…  As she shut the door behind her I remember her saying “the doctor will be in with you shortly”.  Never in my life has that phrase bothered me or incited any sort of anxiety, but, in this moment it hurt.  I couldn’t understand what the hell I could possibly need to see the doctor for at this point.

Time passed….

and also didn’t…

and we were quiet.

So very still and quiet.

I pulled out my phone and sent Anita a text.  She was at the port on a cruise ship and was eagerly awaiting an ultrasound snapshot.  Instead I crafted a text:

“Baby stopped growing 😦 I am ok, we are still at Dr.’s office now.  Just wanted to let you know before you left. I love you.”

That was seriously shitty but necessary.  She was moments away from setting off on a trip and I had to TEXT her the news that her niece/nephew didn’t make it.  Just one of many messages that would need to be relayed.

“Anna” came back in and said one more thing, what that was I couldn’t tell you because that’s when I broke.  My “matter of fact face” melted right off and right behind slid the first tear betraying me and my keep it togetherness completely.  The damn burst and then I was wide open and vulnerable.  Hurt seeping into every cell of my body as reality and her cold bitchy ways started to set up shop right in my dead womb.  As this is happening “Anna” says “There it is. It was inevitable.”….  She then hugged me and I wept.  Embarrassed and hurt I wept in her embrace.  She looked over my head at one point and asked Don how HE was, if he was ok.  I remember that but I do not remember hearing him respond but I am certain he had his “military/strong man face”.  She left again, this time leaving me with the box of tissues. Dammit.

Don and I alone in the room again I finally look over to him and said something like “I’m just worried about what you’re going to do…”  In my head I was worried about what he was going to do as in be mad or crazy upset?  Because I knew I didn’t have it in me to help him manage any of that in this particular moment.  His response was epic and so classic THE DON, he says, “Well I’m not going to divorce you.”  HA!  To that I said something like “you better not mother fucker! and that’s NOT what I meant!”

Dr. “S” finally arrives.  I don’t know her, never met or seen her before… Seems appropriate that she should have “this talk” with us.  So she begins by going over the facts.  The baby stopped growing at 7 weeks, I was in the midst of a missed miscarriage and here are your “options”.  A fantastic snapshot of our life at the time would be the first question I ask as soon as the “options” are brought up, “is that going to be covered by medicare?”. “Medicare? or Medicaid?” she asks.  I seriously responded with “I don’t know, I have a gold card.”  (Fuck my life.)   She said that she didn’t want me to worry about that, that it would all be covered…  She pretty much told me that having a D&C was my best option.  My body had let five weeks go by without aborting the baby itself so there was no telling how long the “limbo” could take if it happened naturally… So I chose to have a D&C.  We went over some paperwork, signed my name a couple times.  Then it was off to the checkout counter.  This part of the process was way too long and I was doing my best not to completely fall apart while answering questions, making decisions and scheduling.  Don kept it together too although it was difficult and I could feel his patience waring thin as we waited and waited to get out!  In the end it was decided that I would have the D&C on Monday, the 20th, Martin Luther KIng Jr Day and Mikaela’s birthday… As good a day as any I suppose.

We got in the car and it was quiet.  I had been playing “your song” through my iphone so now there was just silence.  We stopped at a gas station to fill up and headed home.  We didn’t say much.  Don seemed to be most worried about having to tell his sisters which pissed me off a little bit at the time.  But looking back it seems like a perfectly acceptable concern.  I considered turning on the radio but couldn’t think of any station that would be playing the appropriate soundtrack for the drive home after finding out your baby is dead.  So it remained quiet.

We took the new expansion off of the crosstown, mostly by accident but it turned out to be a good distraction.  It was the first time we were on that road, seemed strange to get such different views of our city from way up high.  When we got to “malfunction junction” it was almost five o’ clock and I knew that your grandma was waiting for an update…  I was so sad to have to call her and tell her this.  Nothing is ever real until you tell your  mom, you would have learned that I know…  So I took a deep breath, let out a sigh and called…

I think I said “Hey Mom” I don’t remember what she said after that, I think she asked a question about you.  I remember I managed to squeak out through my choked throat “there is no baby” and then she said “what?” in the sweetest most comforting heartwarming voice that can only come from one’s mom and then I explained that you had no heartbeat.  That you had stopped growing at 7 weeks.  A lot of what came next is a blur I just remember being very worried about her.  She was so excited about you and so very happy for us.  She will someday be the most amazing grandma.  I am so very sorry that she will never know you.  She asked if I felt like I needed her to come over and while her love is always welcome it felt like something that Don and I needed to tackle together.  Not to mention a mom hug in that moment would most likely have sent me into hysterical convulsions.  We said “I love you” and with that the hardest call was done.

Once we got through traffic we stopped at Al’s aka Nebraska Mini-Mart to get ice and coke because we had decided that cocktails were definitely in order.  He gave us what we morbidly deemed the “Dead Baby Discount” after he asked how “things” were going and he became the first person we told… in person.  I just said to him that it didn’t work out and he reassured us that we’ve got time and we’ll try again but that he most definitely would not be taking our money on this occasion.  Good times.

Conveniently we had an appointment scheduled with Joelle to sign the new lease for our house.  So when we all sat down to go over the paperwork she became the second person we got to tell in person.  She too was reassuring and kind.  After she left Don and I went to ABC on Kennedy to get some more cocktail supplies and then we headed to Chipotle so that Don could get some comfort food. 

Doing the best we can

We came home, made cocktails, took a couple pictures to shove into my project life and Don ate not one but TWO Chipotle burritos.  He loved you a lot little one.  Dead baby grief requires double duty comfort food apparently. We spent the rest of the night making seriously inappropriate dead baby jokes which helped us to laugh instead of cry. I called Valerie and let her know, she too was heartbroken but, she and I are both very logical people.  Mother Nature knows best and she decided it just wasn’t meant to be this time.  Val does a great job of helping me to see the silver linings of things. Excelsior!  I decided that a round of informative matter of fact texts to close friends was the easy way to tell everyone.  There was no way I could speak out loud the explanation over and over.  I just couldn’t.  So I checked that task off my to-do list and had many heartfelt responses of sympathy.  I realized that Don had not called his “people” and I knew he needed a little push…. So, I texted Don’s bestfriends and let them know that they should call him.  One called after I had some time to text with him which worked out good because the other called right away.  He spoke to both of them for a little while each and he seemed to feel “better” once he had gotten those conversations off his chest.  I eventually got to talk to Amber which was an extremely hard call, but luckily Don and I had had time to loosen up beforehand.  It was really sad to realize what a precious opportunity it was for Amber and I to be pregnant with our first babies at the same time and to face the sadness in knowing that that will never be possible again.  It was a once in a lifetime chance that was now gone.  

We wrapped the night up dancing in the front room to techno songs to the point of pure exhaustion.  We cuddled together very tight in bed that night, neither of us giving the other too much space to move or to get lost.  Our grips were fierce having been reminded in such an intense way, just how very fragile this life is.  We are lucky to have one another and we will always love “you”.  You helped Don and I to see just how much we do want a family and also to feel and experience just how intense the love for one’s own child can be.  You were so tiny but you shifted our world in the best way you could by showing us a glimpse of everything we’ve always wanted. Thank you for that.  We needed you.

Love, 

Your “Mom”

 

January 26th, 2014

It had been a long day celebrating Gasparilla and it was so nice and comforting to end the day at home with just my big sister.  Anita and I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning talking.  We covered every emotion that I was going through but also everything that she was and had gone through.  It’s tough work being a big sister.  It was the first time we had been together since everything happened.  It was so incredibly good for my soul to share everything with her.  

When she left the next afternoon, I was just starting to have “cramps”.  They came in waves and were uncomfortable but mostly manageable.  But as I stood in the frame of our front door watching her back out onto the street and drive away, I realized that I was alone.  And it started to ache.  Being alone is not something that normally makes me unhappy or vulnerable, but, I think my body and mind knew what lay ahead and being alone felt more relevant in that moment than it has in a very long time, maybe ever.

I was alone with what was left of “you”… and “you” were about to leave me completely.  There I was alone and becoming empty.  I ached for my husband but I quickly became too consumed with the process to think of much else.  I started to hurt all over, physically it would come in waves, later I would learn that those “waves” were similar pains to contractions… Thank you for the practice sweet one…  

My heart hurt the most.  I missed you, I missed the hope for you that I fell in love with.  What was left of you was leaving me and I was ALONE.  Alone in a new and foreign way.  

“I go home to the coast it starts to rain I paddle out on the water. Alone. Taste the salt and taste the pain I’m not thinking of you again. Summer dies and swells rise the sun goes down in my eyes. Take these broken waves, darkly coming to take me home. And I’ve never been so along and I’ve never been so ALIVE.”

-Third Eye Blind

A part of me wanted “your dad”, my husband, my partner…But this way was better. I was not in charge of managing anyone else’s emotions, instead I had the freedom to FEEL EVERY ONE OF MINE.  I now know that I needed this to be something just you and I shared.  An experience only to be remembered by “us”.  And so “we” did… and so it was.

After about 6 hours of painful waves, throwing up from pain meds and taking care of the physically real remnants of “you” I finally felt the last bit of “you” leave me.  It was done.  “We” were done and I was now left with the task of once again feeling complete with every piece of “you” gone.  I was alone.  But I, unlike you my love… was ALIVE.   

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family that have been so amazing as we have recovered from all of this and somehow managed to fall even deeper in love.  We are incredibly grateful every day.

-thejensspin

 

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